Do you feel like this too? It's like, I just don't have enough time in one day for me to get everything done in. Especially because I sleep longer than most other people.
The easiest solution, of course, is to get yourself on a consistent schedule in order to fully harness the time that you have, but I'm going to be flat out honest. That's not really working for me. I admit that part of that is my fault. It is currently 3:30am here, and I am still awake. I COULD HAVE-SHOULD HAVE- gone to bed at least an hour and a half ago, but I'm just not all that tired. I slept in too long and now I'm awake. Though, on the bright side, I feel more motivated...Then again, is that really a good thing at this hour? Sometimes I seriously consider switching myself to a nocturnal schedule, but the rest of the world doesn't run on that time, so that makes my life more difficult; especially considering I am running my own business now. SIGH.
I certainly would work much better on a later schedule. During the day I just feel so...blah. Tired and unmotivated, and by unmotivated I mean that there is plenty of things that I want to do, but I never make the effort to actually do them. Where on the other hand, as the night weens on, I get this...burst of energy, and I don't feel as if I am dragging myself around. I feel more confident about myself and everything. But I'm still not sure if it is worth it. I understand the creativity part. This is something most artists alike suffer and there are actual scientific reasons for that. It's the rest of it that is what really makes me consider the change. I literally have more energy. Like right now, I could just get out of my chair, tare a room apart, clean the walls and prep it for painting because I have THAT much energy. I could easily stay up until 6 or 7am drawing, reading, writing, cleaning, cooking, baking etc etc. And it is annoying. That's what I want to feel like during the day, not the times I should be sleeping... >_>
Any thoughts on that?
The other thing is that there are a bunch of things I want to accomplish in my life. Like going back to school; particularily art college. But I would have to be able to attend day classes. Aside from the issue of what time of day I should be sleeping, I have this enormous list of my "life" goals. Some of these are things like creating my own music, learning a couple of instruments, being a comic artist, publishing a novel, designing a fancy cat play center, learning Japanese and Spanish, designing and creating some of my own clothing ideas... Just. There are a lot, and I know that I am only 27, but I feel like I am running out of time. That probably seems lame to most of you, but you have to remember that I was sick most of my life, and I haven't really started "living" yet. I am still fighting to find what works and what doesn't work with my medical obstacles. And some of you might think, "just do it. Just get out there and do it, and let nothing stop you," and that is great in theory, but when you spend 20+ years of pushing your body to its limits, EVENTUALLY your body says, "THE HELL WITH YOU", and you lose the ability to push yourself. Figures like Goku, yes from DBZ, or really from a great number of fictional characters, give up this illusion that we can push and push and push and just keep getting stronger, but this isn't true. People are kinda like Pokemon, we don't all have the same "stats". We are made differently from each other, even though there are a lot of similarities. This is easily proven if you look at a pair of twins. If they were both conditioned to the same things in life, they would still grow differently, think differently and have different limits on their minds, emotions, and bodies. If people could equally over come anything, in third world countries either everyone would be dying of lack of good water, or no one would die of it. Get my meaning? Parents lose their children all the time, but yet some survive, and they are exposed to the same conditions.
So what I am trying to say is that my body won't let me just... DO stuff. I can't push myself too far beyond my struggles. I can't force myself to get up everyday, go to bed at the same time, and sleep the same amount, at the same level of quality. Heck, no one can do that. But it is especially hard for me, which is why I feel that 24 hours just isn't long enough.
I suppose I just had to get that off my chest. It rolls around in my mind all the time.
In other news, my other grandpa is now dying. His organs are shutting down, and I don't think he will make it to Christmas. This is stressing me out obviously. I am actually close to this grandpa, and I haven't seen him for 5+ years as he lives on the other side of the country from me. Currently, it costs $1800 round trip to get to him and my husband and I just don't have that. We live very... inexpensive... lives because I don't bring in much more than $300 a month... And my husband doesn't make much either. Essentially, $1800 is half of what we have a month, and normally at the end of the month, we don't have anything to spare. So flying over there to see him before he dies is pretty much totally out of the question. I can't push my business very hard right now because of my medical limits. I'm bringing in a little bit a month, but there is no way I could make like $1800 in a couple of weeks. Not unless like 50+ people ordered product from me ;_; So that is adding stress I don't need. He just went downhill so suddenly. If he lived until April, I could afford to go with my husband's bonus, but he isn't going to last until January. UGH
I don't really know what else to say to be honest. I think I'll just head to bed. I feel dizzy anyways.
Until next time guys, see ya later.