Hello everyone. So far my week has been horrible and it just started...
Firstly, this last Monday, Feb. 23rd, marked 1 year since my Baby-chan died. I was upset last week about the idea, and even ended up having an emotionally disturbing dream where Jewels (my cat) was hurt, and it bothered me so much, I ended up screaming outside of my dream, and startled myself awake... I was distraught the entire day, and just spent my time trying not to break down and cry. To make matters worse, I had my first training assessment that very next day. So I ended up being barely able to concentrate, and when I took the "test" I couldn't recall anything I learned because I was busy fighting my emotional distress. Unfortunately, I didn't pass, and I got a 60%. The passing mark is 80%, so the teacher let me take it again. The second time I got 72%, because I was thinking a little bit clearer since I had taken the test once already. But I still second guessed myself on a bunch of questions I knew the answers to, because I wasn't feeling confident in myself.
Needless to say, today I lost my job. Apparently, SYKES policy of employment says that I MUST score 80% or they revoke my employment. Great job security right? I think this is ridiculous. I was under the impression there were going to small tests to HELP employees see what they needed to work on during training, and that the final test would be the one that mattered if you passed or not, so I wasn't taking the assessment as seriously as I should have. Not that I am entirely sure that would have mattered anyway. But what hurts me the most, is that SYKES had a whole section in their policy that stated that they were dedicated to making their employees succeed, and especially catering to those with disabilities who may need more help and support in their jobs. YET, I get let go, even though I fall into that category, and I didn't get any additional support at all. I got no warning, no nothing. I missed the mark by a mere 8%, which I actually could have scored because I did in fact know the answers, and they think I'm too stupid for the job. Heck, when we did group sessions, I was always the one doing most of the talking, and problem solving. In the last group activity we did, I screen shared (basically everyone could see what I was doing on my computer) the assignment, and the other 3 just watched me and copied. They even said afterward that if it wasn't for me, and the other girl in the group, they wouldn't have been able to do the assignment. But they didn't lose their jobs. Only I did. Over 8 freaking percent. They have NO idea how hard it was for me to work 40 hours for training. I pushed myself further than I have in a long time because I was excited about my job. I was determined to learn, determined to prove to myself that I COULD have a job. Besides, only the training was full time. When I actually started working on the phones, I would only work a max of 5 hours a day, 5 days a week. I could do that. But they didn't even give me the chance to get there, simply because I struggled a bit.
Anyway, I'm feeling pretty crappy right now. So I'm trying to do things to cheer me up.
Oh, and on another note, I apologize for the lack of artwork. I totally meant to start posting something at least every couple of days, but I was pouring all my energy into training for this job, and though I doodled a little bit, I didn't really get any extra time to scan and such. Now that I am not putting in 40 hours a week, you'll definitely see more from me.
Speaking of which, I've begun watching some inspirational videos from professional artists, and one of the most recent ones really spoke to me.
Essentially, the artist said, "It doesn't matter who is able to tell you what would help improve your art. If you can't draw, you can't draw." This really impacted me, because, he was right. People can critique the heck out of your art, but if you don't draw often, you aren't going to get better, no matter how much information you know. The artist also spoke of "building up mileage" in your sketch book. He says "aim to go through 10 sketch books a year, or even one sketch book a month. Draw 10 pages worth of crappy drawings A DAY. Learn to LOVE your crappy sketches, because the more you pump out those crappy scribbles the more you'll start to see that you crappy drawings are suddenly looking much better than even your best drawings did, a month before hand".
I feel like an enormous barrier in my mind has finally cracked, after me trying to pound on it day after day, and month after month, for years of my life. Especially in the last year and some. It was like someone took a hold of my hand and said, "it doesn't have to be perfect. In fact, it shouldn't be. If you want to be a good artist you need to suck, in order to get better. So draw crappy, so that you can draw well."
I'm hoping that I can be an inspiration to people that also struggle with the same things, which in reality, is like, 98% of artists. EVEN professionals. Not even kidding.
So people, stop caring about getting it right. That will come with the "mileage" you put into your sketch books. Just DRAW. Otherwise, find an easier job, like being a doctor. Seriously, NO one in their RIGHT mind, would EVER become an artist if they were just in it for attention, money, or an easy career. It is passion that drives us, because there are no special benefits to being an artist. NONE. It is a hard life, and humans like their easy/lazy jobs, that are income rewarding, and that isn't what an art career is. It just isn't. But to those of us with the passion to create know that the art in itself, is more rewarding than any amount of money. That is why, despite the trials and under appreciation of being an artist, we still do it anyway. We have to, because that is who we are.
So remember, no matter what, just keep drawing. Eventually, you'll be a fantastic artist, and people will look up to you for "making it". And you? You'll just continue to sketch away, always improving, always needing to pour your passion out via creativity. Stick to that because no one else can make you who you are. Only you can do that, and only you can help yourself get better at what you love.
Until next time, "I'm up, over and gone!"